Reasonable Parenting: Raising Happy Kids Full of Self Esteem

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Self Esteem Incompatible Parenting: Guilt

This feeling can lead to unhealthy dependence

Source: blackbow17, CC BY, via Wikimedia Commons

Guilt:Creating Dependence in Children

In my last blog I discussed fear in children and how it can negatively impact their ability to be happy adults. A fearful environment in childhood where a catastrophe is thought to be around every corner creates a mental filter in children such that they can't relax and have fun. It is very difficult to have self esteem under these conditions. In fact, these conditions create the opposite of confidence. Another unwitting trap that parents sometimes fall into is to induce guilt in children. Feeling guilty and feeling self esteem are not compatible states of mind. Feeling guilty is often related to a child growing up and becoming independent from parents.

Children are in a constant state of separation from parents. From the moment they are born they are learning to make their way in the world on their own. This is natural and important. In my role as a pediatic psychologist I often ask parents what their major goal is for their child. A common theme in their answers is "to be happy," and to "become a competent adult." I also ask them when they should start working on this with their child. The obvious answer is "now." The caveat is that this process needs to be developmentally appropriate (you don't want to teach a 3 year old to drive!).

Parents can struggle with the loss of their child and in reaction unconsciously attempt to keep the child close through inducing guilt feelings. Loss feelings are very understandable. I have experienced these as well as a parent. The first time my pre-teen decided that he didn't want to be swimming with me and would prefer to hang out with his friends led to a significant pang of sadness. As a parent I could work through this and realize that maintaining relationships with peers is exactly what he should be doing. This didn't stop my sadness, but enabled me to start to adjust to this change (although I struggled).

If a parent is not conscious of these feelings they may unwittingly induce guilt feelings in their child. This serves to create an obligation for the child to maintain TOO CLOSE a relationship with the parent. Children then start to become more dependent on parents and less able to differentiate from parents in a healthy manner. Constantly feeling guilt for becoming a healthy adult they tend to remain trapped, unable to move forward. They may continue to live with their parents beyond what is healthy, be financially dependent on them, and be unable to find a life partner for themselves.

It is crucial for parents to allow children to break away, despite their own resulting sadness. Children who remain too involved with their parents become crippled as adults, unable to move forward. This is an excellent time to revisit the idea ofmoderate attention as an ideal for parents to shoot for. Letting go and allowing children to move forward is crucial. To do this you need to actually reduce attention as children grow older. They need the space to grow and spread their wings. An interesting metaphor is the activity of bald eagle mothers. Prior to their young hatching they create a soft downy nest with their own feathers. This covers the thorny nest below the chicks. As the young get ready to fly the nest the mother gradually removes the down from the nest leaving the chicks to sit on thorny branches. Good motivation to fly! We as human parents need to gradually remove attention just as an eagle removes down. Let them spread their wings and fly!

Brian W. Selby, Ph.D. is a licensed, practicing pediatric psychologist in the state of Maine. Dr. Selby's blogs are educational only and are not considered a form of treatment. If you feel that your child requires treatment from a mental health professional, please contact a licensed mental health professional in your area. Dr. Selby does not endorse any advertising on this page

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Self Esteem Incompatible Parenting: Fear

Your child's face may mirror your own.

Source: Robbie Grubbs, CC: BY-SA, via Wikimedia Commons

Parental Catastrophization: The Seeds of Fear

In my previous blog I discussed how parental criticism impacts children. Especially criticism that aims at the very nature of a child ("you are lazy," "you are stupid"). This criticism creates a mental filter that a child carries into adulthood. It impacts how he or she views the world. Ongoing criticism in childhood creates a feeling that one is "bad" at some very basic level. This leads to feelings of shame. Feeling that others are judging one negatively leads to anxiety in life and enough feelings of anxiety and shame can lead to depression as an adult. Another pathway that parents unwittingly cause difficulties for children is creating a climate of fear in the home. If a child is fearful it is very difficult for them to feel efficacious (that one can accomplish things) because the world feels too dangerous. Freezing and hiding become the only options. When one is freezing and hiding it becomes very difficult to have any form of self esteem.

As I have said in the past in my hubs parents who create a climate of fear in a home do not do so consciously. Some parents legitimately view the world as an inherently dangerous place. This usually is related to how they were raised and also could be related to an untreated anxiety disorder as well. Part of my aim in writing this series of hubs is to raise parental awareness so that we might treat and heal our own problems so as not to inflict them on our children. If we as parents tend to be highly anxious (e.g., worrying, catastrophic thinking, insomnia due to worry, panic attacks etc.) we need to seek appropriate treatment from a licensed mental health professional. It is important to note that anxiety also has a genetic component that can be transmitted to children, so if a parent has an anxiety disorder it is more likely that a child will also have anxiety. In these cases treatment for both the parent and child can be crucial. It makes sense that parents seeking appropriate treatment can only help children see the world in a more rational way.

Catastrophes are RARE. One only needs to get online and check the statistics to bear this out. Unfortunately the media today sensationalizes rare events and creates what psychologists call "salience" which permanently embeds catastrophic events in our memories. They do this to sell advertising time, papers, etc. We as parents need to screen news and media appropriately to try and create a realistic picture of the world. Unfortunately, I believe this means not allowing kids to watch the news today. If there is something important for them to know about, you as a parent need to discuss it rationally with them emphasizing how RARE it is (e.g., we all know the statistics for plane crashes--planes are by far safer statistically than cars--if you were to only watch the news this is a foreign concept).

Children look to you to help them judge how dangerous a situation is. I have often noticed my children intently studying my face to judge if I show fear in a situation. Our ability to calmly discuss how dangerous a situation is depends on our own mental filters. It makes sense that instinctually children would cue on us to judge the world. If we are scared as a strong, capable adult (who even drives a car for goodness sake!), they should be very scared as children. Calming our own fears and treating (if necessary) our own anxiety helps children have a chance at viewing the world in a rational way. If you have anxious mental filters it is very hard to enjoy life. Anxiety and happiness are not good partners. I like the common sense statement, "Life is an apple, take a bite out of it." If we paint the world as dangerous for children they will always view the apple as poisoned, never taking a bite, and never being truly happy.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Self Esteem Incompatible Parenting: Shame

Shame is related to criticism from parents.

Source: Anthony Easton, CC-BY, via Wikimedia Commons

Parental Criticism: The Seeds of Shame

In my last blog I discussed not "fussing" with children and allowing them the space to grow into unique human beings. Moderate attention is, in my view, the best level of attention that allows children to feel nurtured, but also gives them space to grow as they (and their bio-genetic structure) allows them. In this hub I will start to address specific parenting behaviors and how they impact children. It is important to realize that the environment we provide and how we talk to children creates cognitive filters that impact how a child views the world into adulthood. Do they view the world as safe place in which they can be themselves and find happiness? Or do they view the world as one in which others are constantly judging their every move and coming to the conclusion that they are lacking. It is hard to feel self esteem when you feel constantly lacking. Feeling judged negatively constantly (by others or oneself) leads to anxiety and depression. In my view, and in my experience as a psychologist, one's view of life inevitably boils down to how a child was treated growing up.

We all have heard that "constructive criticism" is a useful thing for us. How can we learn how to do things differently without advice? The problem with this approach when it comes to parenting is that parental criticism can lead to feelings of shame and defectiveness. Why is this? Parents are in a unique position in a child's life. They are the "end-all-be-all" to a child. A child looks at a parent as the lifeline to food, nurturance, help, and to help define who they are as a person. They have to buy what you say because you are their literal means of survival and their psychological means of defining what and who they are in the world. In other words, YOUR words combined with other factors in their environment CREATE the way they view themselves and the world which persists into adulthood.

Children are literally like moldable clay. The only difference is that, unlike clay, children have a sophisticated bio-genetic ability to grow into a unique, special human being WITHOUT much assistance. How is this possible? Don't we as parents need to "fuss" with them and make them what we think they should be? I would propose that with moderate attention and a rational approach to parenting (which in my view is behavioral--to be discussed in future hubs) children can be themselves and grow into unique human beings that view themselves as GOOD.

To accomplish this adults need to bite their tongue (sometimes literally). Realize that any criticism (especially of the nature of a child--such as "you are lazy") literally defines them for the future. A common sense saying is instructive, "unsolicited advice is a hostile act." Indeed it is, especially when it is accompanied by barbs, criticisms and hurtful statements about a child's inner nature. I would propose instead to help children see the reality of the world, that their actions have consequences and that they have choices. This can be done without creating shame and feelings of defectiveness. If a child breaks a bone it heals, if you break a child's spirit it may never heal.

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Sunday, September 15, 2013

How Much Parental Attention is Self Esteem Compatible?

Moderation is a rare thing.

Source: Maxamilian Dorrbecker (Chumwa),CC: BY-SA, via Wikimedia Commons

Moderate Attention: Nurturing without Fussing

In my last blog we discussed that a major theme of parents who are unable to assist their child in gaining self esteem treat children like an "object" that must be controlled. In so doing parents unwittingly create a child who does not feel confident that they can accomplish tasks and also feels very dependent on their parents or others to figure out life. So how do we know how much to "get out of the way" and when to intervene? How much is too much?

It is important to understand that most conscientous parents are unconscious of over-nurturing and really believe that they are doing the very best for their child. They even will report that they have never put so much time and energy into anything in their life. Their children are the center of their life and how can this be a bad thing? The problem with this in my experience within my pediatric psychology practice, and in my own parenting, is that it appears that children seem to grow best with moderate energy invested. How can this be? A metaphor might help explain this better than my meager words can. A friend of mine reported to me that she "just could not care for plants" and "didn't have a green thumb." When I asked her why she reported that she "fussed with them too much" and "was always watering them." It turns out that she perpetually watered the plants and literally drowned them! In my experience this is exactly what happens to kids that are over-nurtured, they literally drown psychologically in all the attention. The problem with our own awareness of this is that we believe that all of this attention is necessary! We are fearful that without enough attention our children will wither away.

Going back to our plant metaphor, plants have an innate sense where the sun is. They literally will grow towards the sun. We have to conclude that we as humans have similar and even more sophsticated means to get our needs met (especially as children). Children have an uncanny way of letting us know when they need us. We just need to read the signs. I find that my children will ask for me to watch them do something or ask me to play a game. Children will ask for your time in some way (even if it is through misbehavior). Children will in some way get your attention when they need it. Hopefully this reassures conscientious parents that it is difficult to not pay enough attention to kids, unless you refuse to read the signs!

Taking care of children requires us to be moderate in our attention. This is challenging and feels like walking a tightrope. The key is to follow the child's lead. This may seem odd to some parents. Don't I know best? I'm the adult here! This is one of the hardest things for most parents to do, to know when to "get out of the way." Too much fussing doesn't help children, it tends to create dependent, anxious, kids who can't think for themselves and who therefore cannot have self esteem or self esteem's child: confidence. If we want plants that grow strong and tall, independent and able to function in the world we have to have moderation and balance in how much water we give.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Self Esteem Focused Parenting: Different than the Norm

Overbearing is the new normal.

Source: Benwing, CC: BY-SA, via Wikimedia Commons

How Do I Help My Child Build Self Esteem?

Children are like sponges. They absorb anything and everything in their environment, for good or ill. Self esteem is an often discussed, but rarely analyzed part of a child's personality. How do we know if our child has esteem? How do we help them build it? What causes children to have poor self esteem? How can we as parents deal with our children to help them build confidence (a result of esteem)?

As a practicing pediatric psychologist I find that one of the most important overarching strategies to build esteem is actually to NOT do certain things. The largest among these is to get out of your child's way. This may be a very suprising idea to most of todays parents (it also was suprising to me as I have a 9 and 11 year old). In general I find todays parents (including myself at times) to be overbearing. We parents think we need to be involved in EVERYTHING in our childs life. We need to be at every practice, every playdate, every meal, every interaction of our child with others, every challenge. One of the negatives of this approach is this leads to a tendency to be over-involved, over-controlling and in general to treat our child as an "object" to be affected, not as a child who will naturally become the person that they need to be (with some help from us of course).

We are well aware of obvious examples of treating children like objects. For example the concept of the "stage mom/dad" which is so well exemplified in TLC's show "Toddlers and Tiaras." We are less aware of smaller ways that we might treat our children as objects. Being overly involved in our children's lives in smaller ways I would propose leads us to treat our child as an object which can permanently damage their confidence and ability to have esteem. On a recent vacation to Breckinridge, Colorado our family went to an amusement park in which a human maze was available for children to enjoy. Above the maze was an observation platform for parents. My wife and I were shocked at the behavior of one of the parents around us who angrily yelled instructions to their children as to how to get out of the maze. One child broke into tears as he could not understand the instructions of his mother (who shouted instructions the entire time) and was unable to finish the maze. My wife remarked, "how are you supposed to learn for yourself how to get out of a maze if someone is always telling you what to do?" Like a lightning strike it hit me that this was the largest issue in todays parenting. How can you learn about life for yourself, or have any semblence of self esteem if someone is always shouting instructions, or angry if you do not follow the instructions to the letter?

Self esteem requires an ability to "do it yourself." I would propose you cannot have self esteem if you are completely dependent on others to tell you everything you must do. You cannot have self esteem if your parents do not "get out of the way" and allow you to become who you truly are. In my series of blogs I will be exploring how to parent differently than the norm today. How to "get out of the way" and the times when you do need to intervene (which I will argue is best done in a behavioral format which I will explain in detail). I will do this out of my experience as a pediatric psychologist, through my training in behavioral parenting and with my experiences raising my own children. I hope to give parents ideas to increase their child's independence, self esteem, and to see their original and wonderful personalities show through. Onward!

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Self Esteem Compatible Parenting: Enjoyment

Enjoyment is a Good Thing!

Source: Kash_If, CC BY, via Flickr Creative Commons

Enjoyment: Kids Deserve It

I would like to start my blog on reasonable parenting by discussing Self Esteem Focused Parenting. The first topic in Self Esteem Focused Parenting is teaching kids enjoyment. This may seem to be an obvious idea for children, but in my experience it is not obvious to parents!

Enjoyment is a "trickle down" concept for kids. If parents are able to model and experience their own enjoyment in life kids are able to also find their own enjoyment as well. If parents model workaholism, perfectionism, always doing chores etc. kids will find it difficult to believe that they deserve to enjoy their life. I find that our American society plays a role in parents ability to enjoy life. We as a culture tend to be very work/money focused so that we can "keep up with the Joneses." There is a significant myth in our society that achievement monetarily will make us happy. In my own life experience, and in my experience as a psychologist money itself does NOT create happiness (an important caveat is that you must at least have your basic needs met in order to have a chance at happiness). Happiness research (yes there is a large amount of research on this topic!) suggests that other things make people happy, such as relationships (especially marriage relationships), social connections, and enjoyable experiences. It makes sense to increase children's self esteem by helping them focus on things that are likely to lead to happiness in their future.

Despite this, I find that many parents today focus a great deal on achievement. I sometimes find it dizzying to hear the amount of activities that some of my child patients are involved in: chess club, sports teams (sometimes several types within the same sport--travel leagues, school organized, rec leagues, amateur athletic unions etc.), robotic clubs, language clubs, zumba classes, dance classes, gymnastics, swimming lessons, karate, scouting, tutoring other kids, drama, band, piano, drums, guitar lessons, chorus etc. With one patient I counted 13 activities! Needless to say he was anxious! I think some parents believe that not limiting what kids do will somehow make them be a better "achiever" in our society, but what I find instead is that kids wind up depressed and anxious as well as exhausted.

One positive parenting approach is to help kids be MODERATE in their activity levels and to allow them time to ENJOY themselves. This is as important a life skill as learning to achieve something. To do this kids need to feel that they are worth taking care of themselves by enjoying activities. In this case self esteem must precede the ability to enjoy something. You have to feel that you deserve enjoyment. Help your kids feel that they deserve enjoyment by modeling it for them, helping them be moderate in acheivement, and letting them know they are WORTH it!

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