Moderation is a rare thing.
Moderate Attention: Nurturing without Fussing
©Copyright by Brian Selby, Ph.D. All rights reserved
In my last blog we discussed that a major theme of parents who are unable to assist their child in gaining self esteem treat children like an "object" that must be controlled. In so doing parents unwittingly create a child who does not feel confident that they can accomplish tasks and also feels very dependent on their parents or others to figure out life. So how do we know how much to "get out of the way" and when to intervene? How much is too much?
It is important to understand that most conscientous parents are unconscious of over-nurturing and really believe that they are doing the very best for their child. They even will report that they have never put so much time and energy into anything in their life. Their children are the center of their life and how can this be a bad thing? The problem with this in my experience within my pediatric psychology practice, and in my own parenting, is that it appears that children seem to grow best with moderate energy invested. How can this be? A metaphor might help explain this better than my meager words can. A friend of mine reported to me that she "just could not care for plants" and "didn't have a green thumb." When I asked her why she reported that she "fussed with them too much" and "was always watering them." It turns out that she perpetually watered the plants and literally drowned them! In my experience this is exactly what happens to kids that are over-nurtured, they literally drown psychologically in all the attention. The problem with our own awareness of this is that we believe that all of this attention is necessary! We are fearful that without enough attention our children will wither away.
Going back to our plant metaphor, plants have an innate sense where the sun is. They literally will grow towards the sun. We have to conclude that we as humans have similar and even more sophsticated means to get our needs met (especially as children). Children have an uncanny way of letting us know when they need us. We just need to read the signs. I find that my children will ask for me to watch them do something or ask me to play a game. Children will ask for your time in some way (even if it is through misbehavior). Children will in some way get your attention when they need it. Hopefully this reassures conscientious parents that it is difficult to not pay enough attention to kids, unless you refuse to read the signs!
Taking care of children requires us to be moderate in our attention. This is challenging and feels like walking a tightrope. The key is to follow the child's lead. This may seem odd to some parents. Don't I know best? I'm the adult here! This is one of the hardest things for most parents to do, to know when to "get out of the way." Too much fussing doesn't help children, it tends to create dependent, anxious, kids who can't think for themselves and who therefore cannot have self esteem or self esteem's child: confidence. If we want plants that grow strong and tall, independent and able to function in the world we have to have moderation and balance in how much water we give.
Brian W. Selby, Ph.D. is a licensed, practicing pediatric psychologist in the state of Maine. Dr. Selby's blogs are educational only and are not considered a form of treatment. If you feel that your child requires treatment from a mental health professional, please contact a licensed mental health professional in your area. Dr. Selby does not endorse any advertising on this page.
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