Shame is related to criticism from parents.
Parental Criticism: The Seeds of Shame
©Copyright by Brian Selby, Ph.D. All rights reserved
In my last blog I discussed not "fussing" with children and allowing them the space to grow into unique human beings. Moderate attention is, in my view, the best level of attention that allows children to feel nurtured, but also gives them space to grow as they (and their bio-genetic structure) allows them. In this hub I will start to address specific parenting behaviors and how they impact children. It is important to realize that the environment we provide and how we talk to children creates cognitive filters that impact how a child views the world into adulthood. Do they view the world as safe place in which they can be themselves and find happiness? Or do they view the world as one in which others are constantly judging their every move and coming to the conclusion that they are lacking. It is hard to feel self esteem when you feel constantly lacking. Feeling judged negatively constantly (by others or oneself) leads to anxiety and depression. In my view, and in my experience as a psychologist, one's view of life inevitably boils down to how a child was treated growing up.
We all have heard that "constructive criticism" is a useful thing for us. How can we learn how to do things differently without advice? The problem with this approach when it comes to parenting is that parental criticism can lead to feelings of shame and defectiveness. Why is this? Parents are in a unique position in a child's life. They are the "end-all-be-all" to a child. A child looks at a parent as the lifeline to food, nurturance, help, and to help define who they are as a person. They have to buy what you say because you are their literal means of survival and their psychological means of defining what and who they are in the world. In other words, YOUR words combined with other factors in their environment CREATE the way they view themselves and the world which persists into adulthood.
Children are literally like moldable clay. The only difference is that, unlike clay, children have a sophisticated bio-genetic ability to grow into a unique, special human being WITHOUT much assistance. How is this possible? Don't we as parents need to "fuss" with them and make them what we think they should be? I would propose that with moderate attention and a rational approach to parenting (which in my view is behavioral--to be discussed in future hubs) children can be themselves and grow into unique human beings that view themselves as GOOD.
To accomplish this adults need to bite their tongue (sometimes literally). Realize that any criticism (especially of the nature of a child--such as "you are lazy") literally defines them for the future. A common sense saying is instructive, "unsolicited advice is a hostile act." Indeed it is, especially when it is accompanied by barbs, criticisms and hurtful statements about a child's inner nature. I would propose instead to help children see the reality of the world, that their actions have consequences and that they have choices. This can be done without creating shame and feelings of defectiveness. If a child breaks a bone it heals, if you break a child's spirit it may never heal.
Brian W. Selby, Ph.D. is a licensed, practicing pediatric psychologist in the state of Maine. Dr. Selby's blogs are educational only and are not considered a form of treatment. If you feel that your child requires treatment from a mental health professional, please contact a licensed mental health professional in your area. Dr. Selby does not endorse any advertising on this page.
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