Overbearing is the new normal.
How Do I Help My Child Build Self Esteem?
©Copyright by Brian Selby, Ph.D. All rights reserved
Children are like sponges. They absorb anything and everything in their environment, for good or ill. Self esteem is an often discussed, but rarely analyzed part of a child's personality. How do we know if our child has esteem? How do we help them build it? What causes children to have poor self esteem? How can we as parents deal with our children to help them build confidence (a result of esteem)?
As a practicing pediatric psychologist I find that one of the most important overarching strategies to build esteem is actually to NOT do certain things. The largest among these is to get out of your child's way. This may be a very suprising idea to most of todays parents (it also was suprising to me as I have a 9 and 11 year old). In general I find todays parents (including myself at times) to be overbearing. We parents think we need to be involved in EVERYTHING in our childs life. We need to be at every practice, every playdate, every meal, every interaction of our child with others, every challenge. One of the negatives of this approach is this leads to a tendency to be over-involved, over-controlling and in general to treat our child as an "object" to be affected, not as a child who will naturally become the person that they need to be (with some help from us of course).
We are well aware of obvious examples of treating children like objects. For example the concept of the "stage mom/dad" which is so well exemplified in TLC's show "Toddlers and Tiaras." We are less aware of smaller ways that we might treat our children as objects. Being overly involved in our children's lives in smaller ways I would propose leads us to treat our child as an object which can permanently damage their confidence and ability to have esteem. On a recent vacation to Breckinridge, Colorado our family went to an amusement park in which a human maze was available for children to enjoy. Above the maze was an observation platform for parents. My wife and I were shocked at the behavior of one of the parents around us who angrily yelled instructions to their children as to how to get out of the maze. One child broke into tears as he could not understand the instructions of his mother (who shouted instructions the entire time) and was unable to finish the maze. My wife remarked, "how are you supposed to learn for yourself how to get out of a maze if someone is always telling you what to do?" Like a lightning strike it hit me that this was the largest issue in todays parenting. How can you learn about life for yourself, or have any semblence of self esteem if someone is always shouting instructions, or angry if you do not follow the instructions to the letter?
Self esteem requires an ability to "do it yourself." I would propose you cannot have self esteem if you are completely dependent on others to tell you everything you must do. You cannot have self esteem if your parents do not "get out of the way" and allow you to become who you truly are. In my series of blogs I will be exploring how to parent differently than the norm today. How to "get out of the way" and the times when you do need to intervene (which I will argue is best done in a behavioral format which I will explain in detail). I will do this out of my experience as a pediatric psychologist, through my training in behavioral parenting and with my experiences raising my own children. I hope to give parents ideas to increase their child's independence, self esteem, and to see their original and wonderful personalities show through. Onward!
Brian W. Selby, Ph.D. is a licensed, practicing pediatric psychologist in the state of Maine. Dr. Selby's blogs are educational only and are not considered a form of treatment. If you feel that your child requires treatment from a mental health professional, please contact a licensed mental health professional in your area. Dr. Selby does not endorse any commercial interests on this page.
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