Enjoyment is a Good Thing!
Enjoyment: Kids Deserve It
©Copyright by Brian Selby, Ph.D. All rights reserved
I would like to start my blog on reasonable parenting by discussing Self Esteem Focused Parenting. The first topic in Self Esteem Focused Parenting is teaching kids enjoyment. This may seem to be an obvious idea for children, but in my experience it is not obvious to parents!
Enjoyment is a "trickle down" concept for kids. If parents are able to model and experience their own enjoyment in life kids are able to also find their own enjoyment as well. If parents model workaholism, perfectionism, always doing chores etc. kids will find it difficult to believe that they deserve to enjoy their life. I find that our American society plays a role in parents ability to enjoy life. We as a culture tend to be very work/money focused so that we can "keep up with the Joneses." There is a significant myth in our society that achievement monetarily will make us happy. In my own life experience, and in my experience as a psychologist money itself does NOT create happiness (an important caveat is that you must at least have your basic needs met in order to have a chance at happiness). Happiness research (yes there is a large amount of research on this topic!) suggests that other things make people happy, such as relationships (especially marriage relationships), social connections, and enjoyable experiences. It makes sense to increase children's self esteem by helping them focus on things that are likely to lead to happiness in their future.
Despite this, I find that many parents today focus a great deal on achievement. I sometimes find it dizzying to hear the amount of activities that some of my child patients are involved in: chess club, sports teams (sometimes several types within the same sport--travel leagues, school organized, rec leagues, amateur athletic unions etc.), robotic clubs, language clubs, zumba classes, dance classes, gymnastics, swimming lessons, karate, scouting, tutoring other kids, drama, band, piano, drums, guitar lessons, chorus etc. With one patient I counted 13 activities! Needless to say he was anxious! I think some parents believe that not limiting what kids do will somehow make them be a better "achiever" in our society, but what I find instead is that kids wind up depressed and anxious as well as exhausted.
One positive parenting approach is to help kids be MODERATE in their activity levels and to allow them time to ENJOY themselves. This is as important a life skill as learning to achieve something. To do this kids need to feel that they are worth taking care of themselves by enjoying activities. In this case self esteem must precede the ability to enjoy something. You have to feel that you deserve enjoyment. Help your kids feel that they deserve enjoyment by modeling it for them, helping them be moderate in acheivement, and letting them know they are WORTH it!
Brian W. Selby, Ph.D. is a licensed, practicing pediatric psychologist in the state of Maine. Dr. Selby's blogs are educational only and are not considered a form of treatment. If you feel that your child requires treatment from a mental health professional, please contact a licensed mental health professional in your area. Dr. Selby does not endorse any advertising on this page.
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Hello Dr. Selby,
ReplyDeleteI agree that children need to learn how to enjoy themselves; beginning when they are at the preschool age. Parents will play a huge part in this. Parents need to be positive role models for their children~no matter what the life skill. So, I have some advice for young parents: 1. Don't let distractions get in the way of playing with your children or you will miss out on the best times of being a parent, 2. Remember to praise them often--even for playing good with their peers or siblings, and 3. Pay attention to them!, more positive attention then negative.