This feeling can lead to unhealthy dependence
Guilt:Creating Dependence in Children
©Copyright by Brian Selby, Ph.D. All rights reserved
In my last blog I discussed fear in children and how it can negatively impact their ability to be happy adults. A fearful environment in childhood where a catastrophe is thought to be around every corner creates a mental filter in children such that they can't relax and have fun. It is very difficult to have self esteem under these conditions. In fact, these conditions create the opposite of confidence. Another unwitting trap that parents sometimes fall into is to induce guilt in children. Feeling guilty and feeling self esteem are not compatible states of mind. Feeling guilty is often related to a child growing up and becoming independent from parents.
Children are in a constant state of separation from parents. From the moment they are born they are learning to make their way in the world on their own. This is natural and important. In my role as a pediatic psychologist I often ask parents what their major goal is for their child. A common theme in their answers is "to be happy," and to "become a competent adult." I also ask them when they should start working on this with their child. The obvious answer is "now." The caveat is that this process needs to be developmentally appropriate (you don't want to teach a 3 year old to drive!).
Parents can struggle with the loss of their child and in reaction unconsciously attempt to keep the child close through inducing guilt feelings. Loss feelings are very understandable. I have experienced these as well as a parent. The first time my pre-teen decided that he didn't want to be swimming with me and would prefer to hang out with his friends led to a significant pang of sadness. As a parent I could work through this and realize that maintaining relationships with peers is exactly what he should be doing. This didn't stop my sadness, but enabled me to start to adjust to this change (although I struggled).
If a parent is not conscious of these feelings they may unwittingly induce guilt feelings in their child. This serves to create an obligation for the child to maintain TOO CLOSE a relationship with the parent. Children then start to become more dependent on parents and less able to differentiate from parents in a healthy manner. Constantly feeling guilt for becoming a healthy adult they tend to remain trapped, unable to move forward. They may continue to live with their parents beyond what is healthy, be financially dependent on them, and be unable to find a life partner for themselves.
It is crucial for parents to allow children to break away, despite their own resulting sadness. Children who remain too involved with their parents become crippled as adults, unable to move forward. This is an excellent time to revisit the idea ofmoderate attention as an ideal for parents to shoot for. Letting go and allowing children to move forward is crucial. To do this you need to actually reduce attention as children grow older. They need the space to grow and spread their wings. An interesting metaphor is the activity of bald eagle mothers. Prior to their young hatching they create a soft downy nest with their own feathers. This covers the thorny nest below the chicks. As the young get ready to fly the nest the mother gradually removes the down from the nest leaving the chicks to sit on thorny branches. Good motivation to fly! We as human parents need to gradually remove attention just as an eagle removes down. Let them spread their wings and fly!
Brian W. Selby, Ph.D. is a licensed, practicing pediatric psychologist in the state of Maine. Dr. Selby's blogs are educational only and are not considered a form of treatment. If you feel that your child requires treatment from a mental health professional, please contact a licensed mental health professional in your area. Dr. Selby does not endorse any advertising on this page
